Published on

I’m a very private person. I can’t stand holding a YARD SALE!

Buyer’s remorse. I expected it with the launch of my book. Many days I have slapped my palm against my forehead and thought, What have I done? I can’t publish this! Waaay too revealing.

My close friends didn’t find out I had cancer until weeks after diagnosis. Now I realize how many people once close to me still don’t know. Now I have that uncomfortable feeling of being exposed and proud at the same time.

I’m panicked as I suspected I would be. I have written a book unleashing one secret and behind that two or three more. 

Now I face marketing my book. Yesterday was my coming out party; my stomach was in knots. I want the book to be out there and to affect others in a positive way, but I don’t want those who know me to read it!

I received an email last night from a very dear friend’s mother I haven’t seen in twenty years. Excited about my book she suggested sharing the news with my high school class, my sister’s high school classes, local book clubs and associations in my hometown. My reaction is NOOOOOO. I’m afraid to put it on linked in, fearful that the image I left in the past will somehow be marred. I’m thrilled to be seen as an author, but I wrote a memoire, as authentic as it gets, revealing where things went wrong and what followed.

I am proud of my writing and aghast at my raw honesty. The story flowed through me, with humor, which made the process so easy. “What humor I could not find in depression comes pretty easy to me with cancer.” I say in my book. I hope everyone will find things to relate to and not picture me sick in bed or dying. For whatever reason I’m thriving, even knowing that the next CT scan might signal the beginning of the end.

So, Why Didn’t I Notice Her Before? I feared the future. I beat myself up for believing choices sent me down the wrong path and that I didn’t take the risks I should have. But, I am here now, awakened to my truest form of expression and love for myself, for others and the world around me.

- Beth Cramer

Beth Cramer is an accomplished editor and director of independent films, commercials and music videos. She is the author of WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE HER BEFORE? Irreverent, painfully honest and often hilarious, Why Didn’t I Notice Her Before? is a beautifully observed memoir that finds courage and humor in the face of undefeatable odds.


    ← Back to portfolio